Well, I wanted to rant on and on about nothing. So, I thought I might do it here and possibly get somethings off my chest, or something like that.
Basically, to say the least, I am insanely bored with my life.
I am mentally unstable.(If my parents could afford it they would send me away again.)
I drink too much. Although, I have stopped drinking every weekend, my mind seems to think its okay to not eat anything to get drunk faster, and then go 2x over my normal limit. Whatever, I am an idiot. So now it is okay in my head to not drink all the time but go on the occasional drinking binge....IDIOT!
Apparently the day after I turn 18 I am being kicked out of my house. SO, I have about 8 months to make enough money to start my own life. AND I am going back to high school so I can get into a college. If you know me at all, you know I abhor school with a burning passion. It is not just because I don't want to do the work, it is everything about the place. If I could do homeschooling I would. I am sorry I just cannot like a place where half the people are fake and the other half are just trying to please the fake people so they can survive and gain favor throughout high school. It really is annoying. Although, because of their facades they are more predictable and easier to screw around with. I mean I may not look it but, when I do things sometimes I do it intentionally to see the reaction. The real reaction. I do like pressing people's buttons just to see their true face. It is gross. I know all this is hypocritical of me even to say since I basically act just to see the reactions when in reality...I don't care. I am a lonely sadist that probably wouldn't mind watching someone else get tortured in front of me in fact, I would gladly take a few swings at the person myself. I am rather violent, although, I keep that part of me mostly locked up. If someone does disrespect me with their body though, I would gladly punch them back.
The other day i got slapped by a girl. It didn't matter that she was a girl I was about to punch her in the face. I don't slap people. I go for pain. I also would have smiled as if I was having fun. She would have been a great person to fight since I haven't kicked someones ass in so long. Her stupid pride got wounded and you know I couldn't give a shit. Still I just clenched my fist and I apologized for my wrong doings. She said I went to far when she was doing the exact same thing to me. It is just that...I succeeded. Anyway, later on that day I ended up using my friend as a punching bag which didn't really work because it got me more excited. Well it was good that they offered up their bodies, otherwise....well I would just be left with that raw emotion and anger. So, I walked around a bit. Took a few deep breaths and you know put on a smiling face because I am more mature. I will let my pride be wounded. I will let her hit me and I will say sorry for something odd. I will not pick a fight with her, although in my head I wanted nothing more but to make her nose bleed. Everything I wanted to do just stayed what I wanted to do and in reality I walked away. Phew! lol
What else?
hmmm
Well lately I have been eating alot of salad with bleu cheese dressing....I don't know why. It just sounds right. So, I have a salad like once a day. Although, when I am done I wish I hadn't have ate the salad because my stomach hurts. I made too big of a salad.

There is this person I might like but, of course, he isn't single. Which, you know, sucks. But, even if he did break up with his girlfriend...I don't think I would want to date him. I am stupid. I need a real love. lol

My family is falling apart. My parents are getting a divorce. My little sister loathes me and my brother, well...he just takes my parents sides on everything and is also never home due to college and also he doesn't want to be home. BUT, all this crap somehow is my fault. It is my fault that my parents aren't getting along. It is my fault that my sister dislikes me. It is my fault that my brother doesn't want to be at home. My mom claims that my parents started fighting more after I would argue with them.Once one of them got violent the other one would step in and try to fix the problem. Therefore I could leave because they would be screaming at eachother. (my fault sure why not....I didn't choose for them to make the choices they made.)
My sister hating me is all my fault. Well she used to punch me. I would punch her it was kind of an even match. When i got back from boarding school she thought she was the shit, because haha I am skinnier then you now ally I am better than you. I am allowed to look down on you. WTF. I weigh the same as her now and I still have a bigger ass.FUCK YOU! Then she gets mad at me for wearing her clothes. WTF! When I was at NLA and you lost all your weight, you wore my clothes all the time and you leant my clothes out to your friends, and you used my things. BULL SHIT! Also now you steal my thongs because they are more "BIG GIRL" underwear....YOU ARE LAME! Then you lie about it. It isn't possible for me to be missing some underwear when you happen to have all the underwear I am missing. Then you say you bought it.....No....I bought those like a year ago...They don't sell the same thing one year later. Bad liar. Very bad. And you are the one who hates me...Go fuck yourself.

Lemme see my brother not being home is all my fault. He thinks that my negativity in the house is unacceptable and that I should try to get along with everyone. Okay, well meet me half way here. I am an independent child. I love doing things my way but I can compromise. I am not going to do it your way. We have to meet half way.

OH YEAH! due to me not getting along with everyone, although I don't see them putting any effort in to even trying to get along with me, my mom told me I could no longer go to california this summer. She was like. The family needs a break from you. So, you should probably stay here in North Carolina.

Hmmm....Two of my best friends want to kill themselves over the stupidest things. I am sorry if you read this and I offend you but it is stupid. One of them is so over dramatic about her boyfriend. He was the only one keeping me alive. BLAH BLAH BLAH. GAH! seriously all it is a dick who cares about you. You are just so mind numbingly stupid to notice that it is you with the problem. Okay? Sorry to say this but he likes you so much he is angry with you. I would slap you too if you were threatening to hurt yourself, I would be frusterated with you and think WHY AM I ALWAYS DOING SOMETHING WRONG. It makes sense that he would give up on you. It is because he doesn't want to be hurt. You are over dramatic and dumb. He loves you. You are ruining it. Not him, but you. Also you both are druggies. Of course you are going to be a little fucked up. Some drugs cause life time alterations in your mind. Don't be stupid. I love you but stop being dumb and actually live. You are living in a fantasy world where you are the queen and your kingdom is falling apart. Wake up please. Stop being spoiled and wake up.

And the other best friend. OKay I can understand why you would want to die, but then again I also don't. All the stuff that might push you to die is in the past. It is no longer pushing you, just the vision of it is. Ignore the fucking vision. And geez would you fucking stop with the everyone hates me, I'm not pretty. BLAH BLAH BLAH.It is so fucking stupid. Because number one, I am one person who doesn't hate you and there are many others who dont hate you. Number two you aren't even ugly. People ask you out. YOU HAVE ADMIRERES. FUCKING UGLY PEOPLE DONT HAVE ADMIRERS. agh! It is just so annoying. You aren't fat either. You always say things like that and it really bums me out because I want you to stop complaining about things that aren't even true. It is dumb! AGH!
I am sorry you went through all the things you did but guess what....YOU ALREADY WENT THROUGH THEM. THEY ARE NOT THERE ANYMORE!!!
If you can realize that, then you are golden. Sure they might be in your memory. Of course, but that is the only place they are. You just have to get over that. It isn't actually happening to you anymore. So stop saying you want to kill yourself and it would be better without you....FUCK THAT. DO you know how sad and mentally fucked the people close to you would be. Your mom got therapy and all that crap for you was trying to help you because she couldn't. She was scared and didn't know how to anymore. Okay? It isn't because she hates you. It is because she wants you to see that it CAN get better, but she didn't know how to make you see that. It is because she loves you so fucking much that she doesn't even know what to do anymore. She was desperate to try to help you. I am sorry if you get pissed at me about this but I don't care this is the blunt truth and you know if you just brush it off and call me a person who weaves things just to make you think you care. FUCK THAT! I will be angry. I have been through betrayel and all that shit before, and you know what? I am fucking glad your friend told on you at the boarding school. I am, because if she hadn't done that, you would not be alive because of your dumb choices. You should thank her for telling on you instead of being mad at her. Seriously. Get it through your head the past has come and gone and the present is where you can be happy and be loved. Just be happy and stop thinking of offing yourself for others. Because in reality they do all the things they do because they dont want to see you die. They tell on you to keep you from dying. Your mom sends you away to keep you from dying because she knows that the ppl at the places would try to prevent you from hurting yourself. You got it all wrong no one is against you living they are all against you dying.

Anyhow, I think that is all I am gonna write.
bye bye